The Insecure Queen

 

Why you gotta be so insecure ?

Insecurities. If we don’t have anything in common, I know every women (human) has an insecurity of some sort. Wether it be physically or internally, we have our struggles and they aren’t easy to talk about. Being a strong person, it’s hard for me to talk about my insecurities, because it makes me feel vulnerable and weak, but it’s important to face them and use them to grow, overcome them and embrace yourself for who you are. Physically- my dark skin is always a battle, up until recently dark skin was NOT IN. And even now, people don’t understand why I get awkward with compliments and may not think I’m the most attractive. After hearing the negative associations with my skin from childhood to adolescents it’s hard to suddenly accept this “beauty” I have. And my life has a lot to do with my feelings, it’s not just being physically attractive- It’s about believing that I’m beautiful.  I was molested from age 7-13 by a family member.  For a young girl those 6 years are so critical to build a confident women, I didn’t have that. I completely blocked that time period from my memory, I barely remember my birthdays from that time, I don’t remember milestones I passed / friends I had.. I blocked all of that out. When I was arrested at 18, something was triggered and the memories came at me like a hurricane. My bond was a quarter million dollars- so I had some time to sit & think , which was a gift & curse. One by one, I remembered every single interaction with this family member . I remember “playing our secret game”, meeting in my room after bedtime, praying for forgiveness after & swearing to secrecy. I remember that I never felt uncomfortable and that I almost liked it. I remember being sent to the bathroom to fill a rubber glove with water. I remember my hands being placed on their privates. I remember kissing. My life was never the same after these memories came back. The hardest thing to accept was that I was a child, and I didn’t know better- I was beating myself up because I didn’t understand why I even let it happen. I felt ashamed and disgusted. I was so unhappy with myself. Which lead to more insecurities…

I think my biggest insecurities come from my decisions, I don’t trust myself , even when I feel like I weigh all my options and think- I STILL feel like I don’t make the right decision . In the past, I haven’t! I was molested for years, and I never said anything to anyone, I still have a hard time forgiving myself for that! Which leads to me now questioning everything- your childhood REALLY effects how you process things as an adult. I went on to fuck up almost any record of my life from driving to criminal to financial to love. Insecurity was the root to so much of my behavior before I even acknowledged what it was. But now that I have, is when my life started to change. When I started to accept everything that I have done in life both good and bad, my outlook changed. ESPECIALLY when I became a mother. Because I may have messed up on other things in life, but one thing I’m confident and certain about is my ability to raise an amazing young man. And I pour my soul into making sure I do the best for him at all times. When I became a mother, it made me realize what’s important. My son wasn’t aware of the life I lived before or the mistakes I were still paying for- he saw me as a beautiful human being who provides for him, and that’s all that matters. This was when my life began to change. I had to do soooooo much self reflection , be honest and open with myself and that shit is tough. Being real and transparent with yourself is not easy! We lie to ourselves, we see what we want because sometimes reality is too much. But I stopped doing that, and I’ve been flourishing ever since. I cannot change the past, and I can’t control everything – those are the first 2 biggest steps to understand. My insecurities with my skin and decisions is minuscule compared my experiences and wisdom that has come from it. I knowww my journey is going to amount to something and I’m determined to get better every day. But everyday is also a battle for me. It’s the push to get thru, telling myself I’m good enough to be loved by my King, telling myself I truly am beautiful WITH my dark skin, telling myself I’m not the wealthiest but I’m blessed, telling myself that I experience what I do to be able to help the next, telling myself I am a good mother, telling myself I have beautiful powerful women who love me for me, telling myself it’s ok that I made mistakes and everyone isn’t perfect.. and most importantly telling myself to love me and all of my experiences because I wouldn’t be me without them.

 

Thank you for listening 💙

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